Straightforward: my 29-year-old son is dating a 16-year-old girl he met at a jazz festival this summer. Openly. He had a same age long-term girlfriend until last year, when they broke up amicably. We really loved her, she was basically our daughter-in-law and we’re still in touch. His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it. For the record: it’s also legal in our country. We don’t think it’s right though, he’s a grown ass man while she’s a high schooler. He’s also very successful professionally, handsome, takes good care of himself, has a good personality, etc. so it’s not like he’s lacking options. He just says he likes her - that’s his why. He’s not a bad person, I know that, but still this whole situation has changed our perception of him quite a bit. We’re having a rough time to say the least.
I could never love someone that goes to jazz festivals.
The amount of people defending this is weird, 16 is way too young. That being said, there isn’t much you can do as his parent. Even if you do manage to break them up, he will always blame you and think of the “what ifs”.
That’s the case for parents of a victim. The son in this case is the perpetrator and as a parent op can do something, which is denouncing the relationship. Protecting the 16 yr old is more important that the relationship between the perpetrator and his parent.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. It is a bit weird and concerning. But weird and concerning alone are not enough to stop something that’s legal and at least for now seems to work pretty well. And like you said, not much they can do about it. The best course of action is to deal with it, be as accepting and supportive as they can and be prepared to help if things do go wrong. Everything else will make things worse.
From your post, I can’t quite decide what worries you most about this relationship… I’ve written and rewritten this comment multiple times because of that.
The usual concern with such an age gap would be that he might take advantage of her and her lack of experience. That’s a valid concern that should be addressed. But It doesn’t seem to be what’s bothering you.
With you starting your post by telling us about his ex who is completely irrelevant to this story and your relationship with her, then later list off how great your son is and that “it’s not like he’s lacking options”… I can’t shake the feeling that your problem is more with him having a partner that could be considered “below his own status”. It feels like you would react just the same if he dated someone closer to his age but not as successful or good-looking. And to that I must say, that’s none of your business. Let your son love whoever he wants to love. Let him make his own decisions and when it comes to it, his own mistakes. They obviously share some interests and he’s old enough to decide if she’s “good enough” for him.
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Well, have you tried asking him why he picked her? Note my choice of words here. Specifically don’t ask him why he didn’t pick someone else but what he likes about her. My personal guesses (!) are: they share an interest in jazz music, they had a good time together at the festival and she doesn’t expect him to act like society imagines “an adult”: she lets him make up for something he missed when he was younger.
About her being hurt: he’s your son, you know him better than we do. Do you think he’s the kind of guy who would do that? If not, look out for signs that it might actually be happening instead of relying on your expectations. Stay in contact with her parents. At the same time, make sure she’s comfortable talking to you. That way you will know if something happens. But please don’t accuse either of them of something that isn’t actually happening.
What the f do you mean by ‘what’d logically get him to do this’. Why are you saying it like he specifically went into high schools looking for young girls to date? Is that what happened? I dont think so. People meet people and fall in love. Should he reject her just because you have prejudices against age gaps?
He should reject her because he should be opposed to such a large age gap. FWIW this fails the half + 7 rule by a LOT (5.5 years).
Why should he be opposed to age gaps? This argument bases on it being wrong by default, but why would that be the case?
I hope you are not serious about the rule meme being an indicator
We should be opposed to significant* age gaps in principle because we cannot trust the person who has power in the relationship, nor the one who doesn’t, to determine if the relationship is healthy or dangerous.
*honestly, the 1/2 + 7 meme is shockingly accurate at determining this
I 100% agree with you and what you are saying is already being enforced by law. OP already clarified that they are both of legal age.
Surely the law can’t determine what the morally correct age is, because the law varies by state.
The issue is she’s too young to have enough experience to know better. “Fall in love” required you knowing what that is. They fell into lust at best at that festival, and he persued her. They are in totally different level of experience and she can’t be experienced enough to know what should be expected in case she’s being taken advamtage of.
How can you decide that for her? You know nothing about her except for what OP shared through that very biased introduction. I know 30+ year old people who have worse critical judgement and life skills than a 12 yo, age doesnt automatically grant you that.
Im not saying it should be ignored, but as long as it is illegal and there is no ill intent on either side there is no basis for interfering.
Her brain is not developed enough yet. Its not just some conservative opinion, it’s a scientific fact that her brain is not as developed.
Its also a fact that she has a fraction of the life experiences. She can’t know what things should be like because she has no experience.
Another fact is that they’re in different places in life. She’s still working on being a student, and he’s working on his career. They don’t have any life they can share in common.
Get out of here with your “ephebophilia is ok” shit. It isn’t.
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Yes, the brain is not fully developed until 25. Are you saying relationships before 25 should be banned?
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Absolutely no one knows what things should be like. Living a longer life does not magically grant you critical judgement or wisdom
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That applies to most couples. An easy example which was very prominent for most of humanities history is housewifes staying at home while husbands went to work. Did that prevent them from having a working relationship?
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This has probably nothing to do with ephebophiloa. You have absolutely no evidence of him being attracted to her specifically because of her age and OPs description does not suggest so either. It is really disturbing how people here all reduce a person just kn their age. Why does being with a younger person automatically mean that this single aspect is what moticated the relationship? If you are with an overweight person, does it mean you have an obesity fetish? If you are with a small person, does it mean you are only attracted to small people? That is so prejudiced.
I think you are looking for contra arguments while already being set on the premise of such a relationship being wrong in every single case, instead of approaching it from a neutral stance arguing for both sides.
I never said relationships between 29yo and 16yo are good in general. Most would be problematic statistically. But given this current instance, it is legal and there do not seem to be any signs of abuse or ill intent. Based on that, I dont understand why people are judging it based only on the age difference.
Yeah, and Epstein only sold sex with children because they were really mature and actually had great personalities!
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Should he reject her just because you have prejudices against age gaps?
No, he should reject her because she’s a child and he’s a grown ass man.
Shes clearly not, OP clarified that she reached the age of consent
he’s old enough
His age isn’t the problem
This is creepy af. Someone in their 20s has a different mindset than someone in high school.
Dude is a pedophile.
That’s gross and as a parent you have the responsibility to tell him it’s gross. Don’t normalise this relationship.
Why would it be gross? Wtf is wrong with people being so prejudiced here? Also, something being gross is your personal taste, stop forcing it on other people.
Relationships with this kind of age gap where one of them is young need to be treated with great caution because the risk of manipulation, exploitation or abuse is higher. But there is absolutely no way to judge it based on that single fact. If you know them and make sure he is not taking advantage of her, why would it still be a problem?
It’s gross because the only reason a 29 yr old adult would have a relationship ship with a 16 yr old is because the 16 yr old is easy to manipulate. A 29 yr old and a 16 yr old have no life experiences in common, the whole relationship relies on the inequal power dynamic. The fact that he chose to have a relationship with a 16 yr old is already proof that he’s taking advantage because any sensible adult that cares about the wellbeing of the 16 yr old would never do that.
What the actual fuck. Do you actually believe you can speak for 8 billion people? How entitled can one be…
No 2 people have the same experience in life. Simply having lived for the same amount of time has no impact whatsoever on your personality and behaviour. How would that define your whole being? What you are saying would basically mean people from different cultures cant be a couple because they have no common ground. Should we ban that?
29?
I’ve seen bigger age gaps work out long term, but dang, not when the younger was still a kid in most ways. It comes down to there needing to be a certain degree of development of self before you can make a relationship be a meeting of equals where both people can move forward together rather than it being one leading the other (intentionally or not).
There’s really nothing you can do about it, though. Like you said, he’s a grown ass man and has to reap the crop he sows. If she’s legal there, and the parents aren’t objecting, there’s nothing that you can the that’s useful. You just hang back and see how it goes.
Treat it like you would if you didn’t like his choice in dating because she was stupid, or ugly. If he asks, don’t lie about your opinion, but don’t bother them with it either. Trying to force them apart is likely to backfire and at the very least could make them stick together longer than they otherwise would if it isn’t going to work out on its own.
People are allowed to make bad choices as adults. When it comes to family, there’s a limit to what kind and degree of interference is acceptable, no matter what the family member is doing.
You’ve had the unfortunate discovery that your son is likely an idiot about at least this matter. Could be worse.
The only reason grown ass men date children (laws on the age of consent were written by those same grown ass men, they don’t dictate reality) is so they can have someone who hasn’t yet learned how to recognise red flags to coerce and control. You don’t need to actively encourage him to be sending him the message that you, at the very least, don’t disapprove.
It’s up to you to decide how comfortable you are with sending him that message, and act accordingly.
My first thought is REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. His long-term breakup may have been “amicable”, but it seems like it hurt him more than you (or possibly even he) realize. I think a major part of what he likes about his new girlfriend is being in a relationship where he clearly has the upper hand.
Whose idea was the breakup? “It was both of theirs” is not a real answer. Someone had to initiate the conversation. Who was it?
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Okay. So we’re not talking about a hurt man here. He just wants to have fun without the responsibilities. The best thing I can say is that I’m glad he was mature enough to take his ex’s feelings into account. A lot of “men” are too selfish and immature to do that. That speaks well of both him and your parenting.
By 29 you’d expect the awkwardness to be over, but it isn’t. He could very well feel like he isn’t ready to start a family. I know the environment is a major concern for a lot of people - he simply may not want to bring children into a world that he believes is doomed. Has he ever expressed this concern to you?
Please note that I’m not building up to a point where I defend his dating a high school student. I think it’s gross. I’m just trying to understand why he might make such a choice.
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All I can say is to be patient. Eventually he’ll realize that dating high school kids isn’t the way to go. There are women closer to his age that don’t want children, either. Eventually, he’ll figure that out.
He’s still growing up. He’s made some bad choices, but doesn’t sound like an inherently bad person. Thank you for tolerating, and answering, my questions. I wish you the best.
His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it.
Possible, unfortunately, but how did you get to this information? Anything short of talking to them directly I wouldn’t trust.
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Maybe I’m the weird one here, but doesn’t this problem literally evaporate in 4 years anyway?
I’ve never seen anyone bat an eye once both are over 20.
Maybe.
But you could also say the same about 5, 6, 7, 8,… years.
Currently she’s 16, of course she’ll get older with age.
Yeah but OP seemd concerend about the Age gap. Her Partens are fine with them being a couple, his son is an adult and the law also says its fine so the only thing which seems to be a problem is reaction of the public and somehow the public stops careing as soon both are over 20.
It doesn’t because the child will carry the trauma with her into adulthood. Literally just ask the people who’ve been through those kinds of relationships on the victim side and you’ll know that this is a horrible situation.
Start with asking yourself why this relationship is a problem, but the last one wasn’t. If your son dated that girl for a year she must have been 15 (or younger) when they got together. This in itself is kind of a red flag.
I personally think that this specific age gap (with one partner being in high school and the other in their late 20s) is really problematic. Not due to the difference in years but the difference in maturity.
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They broke up amicably because she wanted marriage and kids, he didn’t.
I think that’s the exact point why he now dates someone much younger than him. Not that she wouldn’t want those things specifically but she is his escape from being an adult. I’ve been there, broke up a relationship when I was 30 for the exact same reasons (no, I didn’t date a teenager afterwards). Being that age is scary, especially these days. You have less and less time for your hobbies, you’re expected to deal with a job, bills, taxes, bureaucracy, family planning, and the future in general. At the same time, even if you’re successful in your job, you have to worry if you’ll ever reach your parents’ standard of living because real estate has become incredibly expensive.
In that phase of life, some people will cling to every opportunity to preserve their inner child. A silly hobby, quirky clothing… or a person around whom you can be immature. For me, the solution was to spend my vacations with a couple of friends who feel the same and just make our own safe space where we can be as immature as we want for a week. For your son, it was getting a girlfriend who is much younger than him. She won’t mind if he acts like a highschooler because she is one herself. He can hang out with her and her friends to stay in that less complicated world for just a few years longer.
He needs that. And he needs you to accept that side of him, even if you don’t accept his relationship. Make sure that when he comes home, it’s okay for him to spend a day on the couch playing video games, watch Disney movies and forget about all his responsibilities.
In what ways specifically has it changed your perception of him?
The first thing is the younger party being protected and allowed to develop, which it sounds like she is.
For me the rough time comes from realizing that either your son is dating her for her age (legal I guess, but ick), or he has so much in common with a 16-year-old it’s enough to carry a relationship, which… Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.
Then again, there isn’t really anything you can do about it, except express your disapproval every now and then, but make is easy for either party to end the relationship without an “I told you so”. Of all the actions for you to not condone, this is pretty mild. He could have joined a cult, committed crime, or “date” a 12-year-old.
Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.
And comments like yours are the exact reason why he probably feels like he must protect his inner child against all odds. From what OP tells us, he has his professional life under control, so let him spend his free time however he wants. See my other comment for details.
So you think 16 is a child?
Never said that, never meant that.
When I said “inner child” I meant his own capability of leaving his adult responsibilities behind for a while in favor of doing things that society as a whole deems childish. Indulging in certain hobbies, acting a certain way. I can’t find the right English word right now. In German we might call it being “unbeschwert”, so maybe “unburdened”.
I was specifically replying to the passage that he should have spent those 13 years in age difference growing as a person to an extent that he shouldn’t have much in common with a 16-year old anymore. And to that I ask: why? Must every adult be a joyless, mindless worker drone who can’t enjoy the things they enjoyed when they were 16? I’m happy to discuss if the relationship OP described might be problematic because of a power dynamic and that’s been done to death in this thread. But saying he isn’t allowed to feel connected to someone younger than him based on shared interests or a need to escape his adult responsibilities for a while feels bitter and judgemental.
None of this has anything to do with me labeling anyone as an actual child.
Edit: Maybe a picture says more than a thousand words so let me link to my favorite XKCD: https://xkcd.com/150/
Why can people of different ages not have compatible personalities? Youre saying it like a fact but have you actually thought about it?
I’m 40+ and would still have major reservations about dating someone 13 years younger. “Compatible personalities” makes for friends across age groups, and yes, even that you are more likely to find with a 3- rather than 13-year age gap. Being a long-term couple takes more.
Yes, Im not saying it is the only thing needed in a relationship, but I dont understand how age difference would make a relationship impossible. With that kind of reasoning, relationships across different cultures would be way more difficult than a simple age gap.
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Explain to him the social cost he will bear. Friends and support network will drift away.
What? That really shouldn’t be the point for anyone to worry about.
The important thing is to make sure she’s safe. As long as that is guaranteed, everything else is his choice and his responsibility. He is an adult, he is allowed to decide for himself if he cares about what society as a whole and his parents in particular think about him.
Shaming him and pressuring him into leaving her will only make him stick to her even tighter, just to spite everyone else. And that might actually go wrong when the relationship eventually breaks apart and he can’t accept that because he doesn’t have anyone else left.
