“Father! Why have you— and I have to tell you, Its really true. I heard it’s the biggest news ever, the ones that those fake news outlets won’t publish to real Americans. But the news I got from our Father, and I mean, only he could tell this to me. No one knows more about this than me, as I’ve talked to some really smart people about it. And I gotta say, these experts, they really know what they’re doing. You know, they’re really smart and they’ve even told me that I’ve got a smart… uh, you know what. But I gotta say that only I can bring you the real news. The real news only for my fellow Americans, and it’s really just come down to this. This one thing, right? You know I was in Ohio once, great state, beautiful state. Some of the best people I’ve ever seen. They’re huge. And I mean huuuuuuuge. These Ohioans really know how to show their support. And boy did they support me, especially when I told them what I’m all about. I’m here for Americans, and we need to let these dumb idiots - and I gotta say, they’re dumb. Some of the dumbest I’ve ever seen, and nobody would know that more than me. We need to take back this country. We can’t let sleepy, uh, you know who I’m talking about - yeah! That’s right. We can’t let sleepy Joe Bin something tear democracy about. We have to be united, we have to tell the fake news that we won’t stand for un justice, we can’t let Gaza do that thing they’re doing with Nesquick. Look, I gotta tell you folks, we need to stand together, and uh on Notember 5, we need to vote Trump. A vote for me is the best thing you can do. No, seriously. Really I mean that. And know one I know can endorse me harder than I know I can, you know? And I think you know that, too. Look, it’s really simple. The best thing you can do is make sure we take back the presidency from the fake news, from these illegal… uh, things they did to me, and you know, we gotta make sure that — and seriously, I mean it. We gotta make sure that we um, pardon all those things I got the other day in court. Truly a sad day. A dark day in American history, right? Isn’t that right? I mean. I talked to a bunch of experts about it, and if you heard these guys talk - and I gotta say, they’re some of the smartest experts I’ve ever witnessed. Best in the business, they’re huge. Huuuuuuuge experts. Seriously. But I talked to them, and I says, what can Americans do about the injustice they face. And they simply said to me: Vote Biden. I mean Trump. Trump! Look, let’s make sure to vote on December 4. Best thing we can do to get rid of this traitor filth ruining our land, defil- dephil— uh, doing the bad thing to our country. We have to vote him out, and you gotta show up. Let’s show our support so the democrats don’t win the house. We can’t let them take the news. And no one trust me, no one knows more about the precendental house more than I do. It’s true, really. Sad day in America. Just tragic. Democracy must win. We gotta get the sleepy Joe and we have to fake our news so Justin can retain in the world! Nobody, and I meant, no can me better than I. Dead ass, no cap, son. And I mean that, really I do. No one can shit in my diaper better than I can. Tremendous shit, some of the smelliest. But true shit. American shit.”
Jesus of Nazareth, while being crucified:
Trump of McD:
“Father! Why have you— and I have to tell you, Its really true. I heard it’s the biggest news ever, the ones that those fake news outlets won’t publish to real Americans. But the news I got from our Father, and I mean, only he could tell this to me. No one knows more about this than me, as I’ve talked to some really smart people about it. And I gotta say, these experts, they really know what they’re doing. You know, they’re really smart and they’ve even told me that I’ve got a smart… uh, you know what. But I gotta say that only I can bring you the real news. The real news only for my fellow Americans, and it’s really just come down to this. This one thing, right? You know I was in Ohio once, great state, beautiful state. Some of the best people I’ve ever seen. They’re huge. And I mean huuuuuuuge. These Ohioans really know how to show their support. And boy did they support me, especially when I told them what I’m all about. I’m here for Americans, and we need to let these dumb idiots - and I gotta say, they’re dumb. Some of the dumbest I’ve ever seen, and nobody would know that more than me. We need to take back this country. We can’t let sleepy, uh, you know who I’m talking about - yeah! That’s right. We can’t let sleepy Joe Bin something tear democracy about. We have to be united, we have to tell the fake news that we won’t stand for un justice, we can’t let Gaza do that thing they’re doing with Nesquick. Look, I gotta tell you folks, we need to stand together, and uh on Notember 5, we need to vote Trump. A vote for me is the best thing you can do. No, seriously. Really I mean that. And know one I know can endorse me harder than I know I can, you know? And I think you know that, too. Look, it’s really simple. The best thing you can do is make sure we take back the presidency from the fake news, from these illegal… uh, things they did to me, and you know, we gotta make sure that — and seriously, I mean it. We gotta make sure that we um, pardon all those things I got the other day in court. Truly a sad day. A dark day in American history, right? Isn’t that right? I mean. I talked to a bunch of experts about it, and if you heard these guys talk - and I gotta say, they’re some of the smartest experts I’ve ever witnessed. Best in the business, they’re huge. Huuuuuuuge experts. Seriously. But I talked to them, and I says, what can Americans do about the injustice they face. And they simply said to me: Vote Biden. I mean Trump. Trump! Look, let’s make sure to vote on December 4. Best thing we can do to get rid of this traitor filth ruining our land, defil- dephil— uh, doing the bad thing to our country. We have to vote him out, and you gotta show up. Let’s show our support so the democrats don’t win the house. We can’t let them take the news. And no one trust me, no one knows more about the precendental house more than I do. It’s true, really. Sad day in America. Just tragic. Democracy must win. We gotta get the sleepy Joe and we have to fake our news so Justin can retain in the world! Nobody, and I meant, no can me better than I. Dead ass, no cap, son. And I mean that, really I do. No one can shit in my diaper better than I can. Tremendous shit, some of the smelliest. But true shit. American shit.”