Sorry for another “Is this autism or normal human behavior?” Post.
There’s a long story as to why I am experiencing this again but it’s not really any more relevant then the title of this post.
For older folk it’s like that episode of the Simpsons where Lisa, out of pity, give Ralf Wiggim a valentines day card and he immediately starts invisioning a future with her as his romantic parter.
I’ve identified I have this same trait and I hate it. Looking back I’ve totally made people who had been nothing but kind to me uncomfortable and shut me out because of this.
Now knowing that I am doing this is at least making me a little more in control and hopfully less weird. But now I need to stop and asses every interaction I have which is itself awkward.
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Stopping and assessing every interaction is a very good way to gain the automatic self-awareness that will help you resolve the overall issue that you express.
When I imagine Ralph, I see an outsider who is avoided by the other children and ignored by the teachers, with a loving but somehow helpless father. …being lonely , not being part of the group, not understanding the rules of the world around him.
I think it has to do with the need for attention and closeness. When you lack it, you turn to the person who has already fulfilled this need for you. It’s hard to live with unfulfilled needs that you can’t fulfill yourself. I guess the key is to learn how to find a relationship where your feelings are reciprocated (and to find out when they are not). I know that feeling and I don’t have a solution.
I don’t know whether this is a characteristic that is more prevalent in autistic people.
Fair point. In past cases this had proven to be the case for me. Perhaps is a subtle single to myself that I need more friends, or I should consider dating again, or maybe just get a cat.
Over the past 10years or so a certain factor in my life had made some of these very difficult if not impossible to achieve. I am working to solve that so I may have the opportunity to try these things again.
If countering loneliness is the goal, a cat might be a fantastic idea. Pets in general can provide a more ‘universal’ and unconditional love then humans. I work with lots of different personalities through my work, and animal love almost transcends diversity in the sense that nearly all of those clients can accept and embrace the love animals give, either through pets, in the stable or on the farm.
i think whether this behavior is unhealty or not would depend on severity of this “love”/obession.
True in terms of healthy vs unhealthy. But I feel it’s an uncomfortable experiance even when healthy.
I admit in my younger years (back in the 90s). I did the unhealthy thing. I think I’ve written about that on here. I had that obsessive behavure towards someone and embrassed myself terribly. Fortunately no harm was done towards others and I grew out of whatever that was. But that experiance was well beyond uncomfortable it was destructive.
However, now when this kinda thing happens (and it’s rare that it does) I realize. it’s often temporary. I can draw and boundaries for myself based on what the situation calls for. I’m better at gauging peoples comfort and not being pushy. I don’t destroy friendships as I used too.
This discomfort is that feel vaunrable and cautious around those who are being nice to me. I’m not good at masking that one and it can be off-putting. Somtimes I need to distance myself from them which may be harmful to a new friendship.
Definitely a crappy emotion.
Sorry for another “Is this autism or normal human behavior?” Post.
I don’t think you have to apologize for this. Seeking support with these situations is one of the reasons this community exists. It’s even explicitly stated in the sidebar under encouraged:
- Questions regarding autism.
- Seeking and sharing support.
Ask away!
Have you looked at “limerence”? It can be caused by childhood trauma. I haven’t found anyone talking about it in the context of autism tho.
Might be a good fit. I also identify as asexual, though may be more in the grey or semi sexual side of things. The intrusive thinking is something that is strongly mentioned here and something I’ve been dealing with. It’s been causing a lot of my identity confusion.
It is odd to me that even my therapist keeps asking about childhood trauma in regards to some of my issues. Yet as far as I know my childhood was mostly good other then some bullying at school and at home.
I’ll look more into this one with my therapist. Thak you for the suggestion.
some bullying at school and at home
Bullying at home is neither healthy nor normal. Rejection in the place where you were definitely supposed to be safe, can cause these issues. Suddenly every positive interaction means that you are accepted. How do you react to yelling? To making mistakes? Uncovering the causes for these problems can take years but will be worth it. Something your therapist will hopefully guide you through better than an internet stranger. Be patient with yourself, you’ll figure it out.
don’t know about how big a factor autism actually is. I mean, sure might not pick up on some signals others would have.
But if I look at my own life, i think its mainly cravings… wanting to believe it.
Being single is quite a big topic in my life, and not one I’m happy about. I really miss the cuddles, the affection… just to play the game of dating even. So when that suddenly seems to present itself out of the blue, I might be way less critical of how i observe the situation than I otherwise might
Another factor, and this might be more auty related, is genuinly not being able to read what I mean or that person, or what they are expecting from me.
Hope this helps
This is also, from what I understand, a symptom of “complex trauma”…which can be caused by living in a world that is not designed for you and forces you to mask yourself at all times for years/decades at a time.
Edit: And based on your other comment it could certainly be a cause of the trauma that your therapist is apparently sensing.
It’s common among inexperienced males to get overly excited at female attention.
It’s also common for men in general to assume that every woman who talks to them wants to have sex with them.
Though I won’t argue the truth on that in some cases it’s not relevant to this situation.Your making a lot of assumptions here, and that might be my own lack of clarity in writing.
Intrusive thoughts do not represent actual conscious feeling, this is why they are so repulsive to those experiencing them. They can be sexual sure. Intrusive thoughts can also be extreamly violent, or just weird. As an Ace I really do not like sexual thoughts and the conscious part of my brain whould much prefer focusing on work or food.
We all do this to varying degrees. We can have fantasies about driving certian politicians into a slow chipper but that doesn’t mean I actually want to harm people. Maybe you want to beat a man to death for cutting you off in traffic. I’d be much happier if my mind didn’t go to such places but it does, in a more functional awake state the idea churns my stomach.
I do wonder if being autistic means we are just more in touch with, and more repulsed by, our Intrusive thoughts.
Also there is no females involved, I’ve never had intrest in men on any level but Intrusive thoughts don’t really work in sensible way.
