Friend relapsed on drugs. It happens a lot. Rehab doesn’t work. It’s eating me up. I know they have to make the changes too. I know this doesn’t rest in my hands alone. They need to want to be clean.
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Let them go. They can still be your friend and love them but not be around them. You already said it, they need to want it. You being there does nothing to help that happen. Don’t let their problems become yours. Go live your life, don’t put it on pause for other people.
Set boundaries, stand firm with them. They may go elsewhere, but they can always come back if they respect your boundaries. Be prepared when helping them that it may blow up in your face. Don’t give more help then you are willing to give. Be incredibly careful if you let them live with you.
Don’t accept money from them if they are staying at your place, it could be used to prove they rented, giving them tenant rights and you won’t be able to kick them out if shit gets bad. That will torch your friendship. I can’t stress enough to be careful letting them live with you.
Keep your boundaries up, even if they are making strides towards progression. If they are trying it doesn’t hurt to do normal things with them once in a while. That way they can have some semblance of normalcy as they heal from their sickness.
This shit is hard on them and on you. Sometimes they need to change the environment they are in to start healing but it is very difficult once you’re in active addiction. Shit sucks, you do drugs, shit sucks worse, you do more. Shit sucks for everyone, even for the sober among us. You can’t therapy your way around a terrible living situation. Assuming the living situation isnt changing anytime soon, the best you can do is have a healthier coping mechanism then doing drugs.
Addicts are never cured. It is a disease that is managed. Progression is not linear. There will be more fuckups and mistakes.
When they are ready, help them get signed up for help if they are pursuing it. Help them get to job interviews. Help them get to meetings if they are pursuing it. People can’t think clearly when in the fog of addiction. Help them try new things. Help them think outside the box. Not everyone responds to group therapy.
Everyone has their own path to living a healthier life, and I hope your friend finds theirs.
It’s six hours later, and you’ve neither edited your post nor rented a Rug Doctor.
I did not know you could edit titles after they were posted
Pretty rad, but I’ve already seen it abused by trolls.
Perhaps make the title edit a thing for the first 5 minutes only?
In my year on Lemmy I have never seen someone abuse it so far. It is either is extremely rare or the mods have very fast fingers.
Just wanna point out that I chuckled a lot when I figured out you weren’t actually helping your friend clean his rugs.
His rugs are gross. I want to.
You already know this, but I’ll reiterate it in case it helps you get over whatever guilt you might be feeling about it: you can’t. If you have already offered them a non-judgemental space to vent and have expressed that you’re there for them, then you have already done more than any friend should be expected to.
You say “it doesn’t rest in [your] hands alone”; it doesn’t rest in your hands at all! Your desire to save your friend is very admirable but it also sounds like it could be self-sabotaging to some extent.
“Rehab doesn’t work” is a blanket and not entirely true statement. There are a million different pathways to recovery; not every programme works for every person. Maybe try to explain this to them.
Beyond that, the best thing you can do for them right now is to disengage and remain distant. You don’t deserve to have their pains inflicted on you too.
P.S. I am speaking as a recovering addict. One of the things my recovery has taught me is how much of a burden being an addict is to other people. The thought of a relapse hurting my friends disturbs me. Your friend might resent you for turning them away, but when they do start recovery, they will not only understand why; they’ll appreciate it too.
This was frankly the reply I needed. I keep asking around as if there is some magic answer didn’t think of. I feel silly expecting different results for something that isn’t my my option to solve.
But I want to look for that magic answer. I want it to exist so badly.
I tried for three years to help a family member get clean. It cost me most of my savings, my relationship with my fiancee, my house as most of my money went towards treatment and whatever was left, ended up stolen by him. Also most of my family because they all blame me for what happened. And what happened is after 3 years of futile attempts to help, I finally kicked him out and instead of hitting rock bottom and helping himself, he just gave up. He became homeless, mooched off the system for a year and then died.
There’s not a lot you can do for people once they are fully in addiction. They have to want to get better for themselves. I’m sorry. I know its a shit situation and it’s gut wrenching to watch and not really be able to do anything. My best advise from someone whose been there- Make it clear your available to them if they want the help, but they have to want it. Don’t put yourself out there for someone who isn’t ready to get clean because they will take advantage of you. If they really do try and help themselves, then just be there for them. Don’t give financial support, its to tempting for an addict. Support them morally and emotionally like if they need a ride, or someone to sit in a NA meeting with them, then do that.
Remember, addiction is a disease. It changes people against their will. I don’t say this to make you loose hope for your friend, but rather to help you keep in mind that the person lying, stealing and manipulating you, isn’t your friend. They are an addict. I really hope your friend comes back soon.
He became homeless, mooched off the system for a year and then died.
Mooched as though it was a bad thing? If “the system” isn’t for people suffering from an illness who is literally dieing, what good is it for?
I get you’re mad at this dead person, but they deserved far more help then what little they got. Us too, thanks. Peace.
Im deliberately being vague to avoid being linked irl to this story, but to assuage a random strangers’ criticism of this situation: He applied for multiple of the same programs. He took advantage of the good will of charities and social services by using their services while stealing from them. He got kicked out of many many places during that year for forging identities and stealing from other residents. He had things like food stamps but would just sell them for fractions of their worth for cash. So, Yes he was a mooch. He was not in good faith trying to use these services to better his situation. He was using them to try and get his next fix.
I get what your trying to say but maybe try rephrasing it so its not so accusatory towards a person you have no fucking clue about.
If anyone knew the answer there would be no addicts.
In the end, their drive to sobriety must be consistently stronger than the drive for drugs. There’s no moral system with the power to counteract that. And it’s not a moral failure that they can’t.
In other contexts people love to blather about the power of discipline over motivation. Well this proves the lie. It has to come down to motivation, consistently. And you probably don’t have the power to motivate them to consistently stay sober. You can’t make sobriety consistently more enticing than getting high. The rest of us are more enamored by what sobriety offers. We are not morally stronger. We just prefer being sober, consistently (or some of us prefer other, less-destructive forms of intoxication).
Sorry about your friend. Take care of yourself.
Rugs can really tie the room together. Why would you want to get rid of them?
Because they peed on your fucking rug.
Once the horse is at the water, the choice to drink is entirely up to them. It may be hard to accept, but as much as you do, if they die from drugs, it is not your fault.
I know this doesn’t rest in my hands alone.
It does not rest in your hands at all. NO ONE can or will stop ANYTHING until THEY want to. And they have to REALLY want to. Just going to rehab once or twice doesn’t indicate that specifically. I was in rehab with someone who was there because if he didn’t “do something” his work was going to fire him. I don’t think it was his first - I know it wasn’t his last, he was in there again while I was still in aftercare. That was 12 and a half years ago now … I just found out a couple months ago that he died, drinking.
The real kicker is he’d completely reset his life - he’d moved 6 hours away from here - HE WORKED AT A TREATMENT CENTRE - complete “success” story on the outside, but clearly there was some shit going on inside that he wasn’t talking about or dealing with.
We can’t fix other people. All we can do is be there if and when they reach out for help, and hope for the best. It’s sad, but it’s life.
Second this. Even if you chain him to the wall he will find a way to use drugs. You can’t stop him.
The pain you’re in is because of you; you need to give up the idea of changing him. You can’t change him. Give up.
He will live or die and it is entirely in his power, not yours. You have no control over this.
That’s a tough question and depends a lot on what substance(s) is being used. If its an opiate, have your friend take a look at ibogaine therapy: it’s seen some really amazing results for some people, who generally report that it feels like it resets something in their brain and they no longer have any desire for their preferred substance. Obviously, milage will vary, but its definitely worth looking at.
Just say no to rugs.
“no”
