just finished part one of my latest big project. not much to report; this has kept me very busy for the past week and change
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Lately I’ve been feeling rather lonely. It’s probably at least in part because I’ve had far too much time on my hands and not enough to do with that time, partly because I’ve been sick for the last few days and isolating and had to cancel some plans, and partly because I’ve been reading up a bit more about the aro experience. Oh and maybe a dash of watching my nesting partners relationship with her two wives slowly degrade in real time.
I know I’m loved. There’s no shortage of people who find me interesting and compassionate and a lovely person, but very few of these people want more than a basic friendship and that feels rather isolating. It also doesn’t help that I am often reminded of how little I truly understand other humans and how they approach relationships, attraction, etc. I want a deeper connection with someone, someone to build something together with, someone who I know will be there for me in the ways I’m there for others but as time goes on it just seems like more and more like a fantasy. I feel like I’m often just treated like a helpful tool that’s well liked but never anyone’s first choice.
On the other hand I know in ways I’m catastrophizing and things really aren’t all that bad, I’m living a healthy life in a beautiful city surrounded by people I love and I have healthy relationships. I just wish I could be content with what I have because the search for something more is so exhausting at times.
You’re yearning for more?
Yes. I’m poly and have partners, including one that I live with, but she lives in the other room with her two partners. So it’s a nesting partner and we are building things together (the space we both co-habitate) but it feels kinda surface level because while we do talk a lot about what happens in her life, there’s also a lot that I don’t hear about until it’s already gone through her two partners. There’s a distance between us which I’m fine with, but it’s not what people often think when you say you have a nesting partner. Also, she really only has sex with those two girls and not with me. We do some kink stuff from time to time, but it’s mostly a dead bedroom situation and our relationship is maybe more of a QPR nowadays than it used to be.
I don’t want to be monogamous because I don’t believe it’s a particularly useful framework and I don’t want to be hierarchical because I think that’s inflexible to the realities of life and I don’t like power imbalances, but I do want something more akin to an anchor partner. I want someone that I can see regularly, someone which I can build something together with. Someone who isn’t just there if I come calling, but actively reaches out to me as well. It would be nice if they have a high sex drive like I do, but ultimately I’m poly and could theoretically find that somewhere else. A lot of my poly relationships today are people I see on average one or two times a month, outside of the girl I live with, and while I know all of them are committed, they spend the majority of their time with their other partners and when I feel like some of my needs are not getting met, it’s hard not to be left feeling want.
I just got glasses! And Mexican foods! Yaaaywheeeee! wigglespins happily and see-ily!!
Apparently everycritter must know! does a goofy lil dance, shares noms :3so busy, i just want to be left alone. when can i breathe?
Can totally relate.
Thanks 😊 glad to know there are other humans having the experience ®
My brakes started making a horrible BBBRRAAAHH sound so I had to be brave and call my mechanic today. Luckily I can bring it in to get fixed tomorrow but it’s so stressful dealing with car stuff. I’m babysitting my nephews and Wednesday and my parents are coming into town on Thursday evening so that’s fun/stressful. My quiet routines are quite disrupted this week.
The final chapter of the university group project: I went on strike last week, which forced the two lazy people to realise they had better do some work. As a result, the project was completed in time, and the teacher was actually very impressed with it. Apparently it’s the best production he’s seen in the last five years, and so it’s going to be entered into a few competitions. The other team’s project, which was nice but unambitious, was not deemed competition-worthy. My extensive logs of the process, particularly of one team member’s laziness, arrogance, and wilful obstruction of the project, have been submitted, as has my evaluation of each team member (a project requirement). Two positive, one neutral, one civil but strongly negative. I happen to know one of the other hard workers on the team was much harsher than I on the guy who obstructed the project.
And my cat didn’t make it. That was actually more than a week ago, but it’s been painful. I miss her. She was still young and should have had many more years of life, and people saying things like “I’m sorry” and “you did your best” just make me angry.
Pretty good, I hope everyone else is doing good as well!
i had coffee with a (newish) friend of mine last week. we’ve only met a handful of times because scheduling in your 30s is impossible, i guess?
had my first (dog) agility lesson since october. unfortunately my older dog hurt his paw, so only the younger one could go. the good news is that the younger one did really well! i think, now that she’s a bit past three years old, her puppy brain is finally turning into an adult dog brain.
we saw the boy and the heron on saturday, and it is so, so good. i’m already itching to rewatch it when it becomes available digitally since i feel like i missed a lot of little details.
i spent saturday night house sitting for two big cuddly dogs (pictured below).
We managed to declutter two big rooms; now we can finally walk!
There was a box with memories dating back to '87! People were crafty. That gave me the idea to make pop-up cards as gifts for xmas, though I’ve never made one.
Still depressed honestly. Don’t know what to do after high school — the world seems so placid and unreal. I feel out of myself… and also I’ve been fighting the urge to get high again so yeah, kinda hard!
Cleaning house which is good. Selling old smartphones is turning out out to be a pain. Got my windows desktop turned into kubuntu! Overall been pretty happy with it
also trying out mastodon again, will see how that goes
Every day gets brighter. I’ve got an exam coming up that will probably decide whether I stay in school to finish my Bachelor’s or drop out to double-down on my newfound career in IT. I’m honestly pretty tired of studying for a degree that seems meaningless given my current career trajectory, but sunk cost fallacy has me too invested to just quit.
Plus I really don’t want to have that conversation with my academic advisor.deleted by creator
@alyaza I’m busy with stuff and trying to get some proper sleep in the process. The thing I am the happiest about is that trams started running on my street again after months of being suspended for some pipe works. I finally have a more convenient way of getting to and from work without spending so much time in traffic again.
I am also due to clean up my house, but I never get time for that. I did manage to go through my agenda in my good old Yahoo Mail and clean up there. I wanted to do away with Davx5 on my phone since I have no account to my phone address book with apart from Google and the recently re-discovered GeneralSync, and because I previously removed my Yahoo! account from there (it was just not syncing anymore), but I tried logging in again and it somehow works. Cleanup is not entirely done yet, however.
Apart from that, we organized a “Secret Santa” at work, and now I finally have a nice pair of gloves that can be used with a touch screen. Yayy for technology, I guess. 😁
Well my week is now going shit, girl I was dating told me she isn’t interested in me romantically, we can still be friends maybe if I can get over her, but fuck it hurts so much for something so little.
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